Where I am now. December 2023. Real honest.

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Hi Friends,

Here we are in December already! Time has flown for most but not for me. When I reflect back on the year I feel I was “sitting still” literally from June to November.

With one major surgery in June after finding out I had breast cancer (a double mastectomy) and then an emergency surgery on the same day I was released for a hematoma, plus four more surgical procedures between August and October, it really has been a challenging year for me. However, I am here enjoying the Festive Season and planning the things I want to accomplish and do for 2024.

If you did not read the last three posts, I encourage you to as you will understand this one so much better…see them below:

Post one – How my year is going

Post two – A Pup named Josh, and how things are going

Post three My Breast cancer Journey

How the year started – January 2023 (saying goodbye to Rudi)

The year started with me flying up to Wellington, FL the first week of January, to “say goodbye” in my own way to my beloved step-dad who had died a week before. We were not at the funeral point, but I wanted to re-trace all the footsteps we would have done together had he been there. I also went through his photo albums and brought them all back to Jamaica with me so that my sister and I could pick the ones we wanted to make our own album for memories. I stayed in his house alone, by myself as I wanted. It was strange walking into an empty house without him there to greet me at the front door and make me a well needed cold, martini after my flight – which as he knew well, I disliked flying. We would sit down have a drink and laugh at life. Then…we would get ready and go out to somewhere smart for dinner. Both of us were passionate foodies, hoteliers and had the same tastes. From there, the week or two I would spend with him twice per year, was about driving around to shop, check out new restaurants and bars, and chat. Also, we would watch so many lovely movies together in the evenings until midnight. Things I did not do in Jamaica.

Also Rudi, my step-dad and I literally had the same sense of humor and would laugh at the same things. His house was immaculate, neat and well kept, something I loved and as both of us were hoteliers we also had lots of stories to tell. Some of his were funny, some of mine were asking him “what do I do?” As his advice was always on point.

”Never trust someone who cannot have a drink, Jeanine….” We would laugh hard at that one while sipping our own cocktails…Of course we did not mean past alcoholics but ones who were like “oh I do not drink, water please….” Hoteliers have a secret code, and if you know, well you know! This of course is not to make anyone feel bad who does not drink, as I believe you have to do what you have to do to stay and be healthy – but I also believe in the balance of life and this is what we were referring to.

Being a Hotelier – and what we had in common!

We would talk about past experiences in Jamaica that made us laugh but also make us feel a bit sad. The ones who would love to come to visit you – and dine, use the hotel facilities, expect complimentary day passes, weekends complimentary with false promises about having you back at their villa or hotel….or just arriving and expecting white glove service and then just leaving the bills for you to pay, when we were in charge of a hotel that “they could enjoy.” We also shared some hysterical stories about this as well as the sad ones.

There are friends, and then there are your REAL friends…

When you were no longer in charge or a General Manager of a hotel – they would not know who the hell you were. And on and on it went. I could not talk to anyone else like this. Rudi got it. I got it. It was sad on one hand, quite funny on the other (as we had so many stories to share!) – but it had happened to him after he left Jamaica Inn, Half Moon, Plantation Inn (now Sandals) then Jamaica itself…and it happened to me after I moved on from The Caves in Negril as a General Manager….my quite large “circle of friends” that had gotten pretty wide suddenly diminished. Apparently it was a well known phenomena that happens when you move on from being in charge of a hotel, many do not see you as helpful to them anymore. Sad. Anyway we would talk about that. Those “friends” who no longer knew you, and moved on. It made me very upset to see that he did so much for so many and then had so many “slam their doors in his face” when he needed them. However, my step-father was a wonderful, humble, resilient and kind man who never stopped doing things for people. He joined the Rotary Club of Wellington immediately after moving there, and then headed up a lovely restaurant over at the chic Palm Beach International Polo Club where he got to know many more people who stayed his friends for the entire rest of his life. His close friends at the end of his life were his “Palm Beach crew” many Rotarians, and his beloved best friends Danny and Don.

And then he got sick. In Summer 2022 he called me on video to say they had found oral cancer and he was on radiation, and medication but that the medical team had caught it early. So I did not expect to see him suffering so much when I went to visit him in September last year, for two weeks. He could not chew, he could barely swallow, and he could not taste anything. He was also in a lot of pain. He had about ten types of meds he was taking and he was still in pain. He tried many times to have the meds changed, and it seemed like it was a hard task to do whereby the Doctors just would not change it to anything that helped him. His place to sit and go through all of this, was in front of the very large TV on the couch facing out to the enclosed sunroom with the beautiful Palm Trees around it. He loved that angle and always said “this is my peaceful spot Jeanine…” I would cook him very bland scrambled eggs, which he would eat, albeit very slowly and not be able to taste a thing. At times, he would cry out at night as he was in so much pain. However, by the end of the two weeks he seemed to be feeling much better and started to taste things. I left Wellington after 16 days with him, feeling confident he was on the mend!

However by November he was back and forth in the hospital, and in December it just got worse, he succumbed to cancer at the end of December having just been moved to a hospice that very day. I will never forget him and there is a huge missing piece of my life now, especially at this time of year.

March 2023, Breast Cancer Diagnosis

If you have read my last three posts, then you know I found out I had breast cancer after a biopsy in March. I had felt a strange lump in my right breast since December but thought it was the “calcification” the Doc saw on my mammogram and ultrasound the year before that he assured me was benign. Apparently it was a very new “lump” not the same one but I decided to get a double mastectomy after it was confirmed it was breast cancer – so I would not have to worry about the other one – along with a “phased reconstruction” but after five months of having the tissue expanders in, we decided (the amazing plastic surgeon and I) to take out the one on the right as the skin was not able to heal properly. Immediately I felt a sense of freedom. I could walk fast, move my arms more, and even sleep on the right side again. I am a side sleeper and could not get used to the back sleeping. I literally had my life back, but I am also looking forward to having the implant surgery the first quarter of next year.

December 2023, feeling almost back to my old self and on my way to the next segment!

I have been hitting the GYM again, per my Doctor’s “green light” but not back to the heavy lifting just yet! Slow and Steady!

The month started off with a very positive and happy feeling, knowing I have been allowed by my Doctors to go back to the gym, lift to a certain point (not too heavy) and live my life happily. I have been driving again, and thinking about the “next steps.” I saw my Doctor this past week (December 7th) and he gave me a really good report. Both sides are healing well and we should expect to start filling the left side in January. The right problematic side (the side that had the lump) will take longer to get to that point of filling the tissue expander; as we will more than likely have to put the tissue expander back in it. I am looking ahead and thinking about all the maintenance tests I will need to do to keep on top of the breast cancer possibly returning as a secondary cancer. However; I plan to have a gene test done where they send your lymph node samples to Miami for a pathologist to grade. Anything over 25% means you are at risk for a return….and that therefore means a light course of chemo. Many women do not realize that in up to 30% of cases of primary breast cancer, the cancer can return in your life, and it can go to your bones, brain and organs. Yikes. I have been following many accounts on instagram where I see very young ladies suffering and having stage 4 cancer, in their 20’s and 30’s!

Breast Cancer Advocacy going forward in Jamaica and online

I want to be a spokesperson for breast cancer. As I have been studying it and reading up about it now since March. I need to join in the lobbying of women getting mammograms from their 20’s. One out of eight women will experience it in their lifetime. That is too high of a figure! Also, Triple negative breast cancer seems to be on the increase with young women. My breast cancer was estrogen related, which means I have to take an estrogen blocker in the form of a pill for the next five years. There are unpleasant side effects, and I hope to be able to change that medication. One is depression and I have to say I find it hard from day to day fighting this cloud at times. I am a very positive person and try to think of all the things I need to be grateful for, but it can be hard. I am also someone who prays a lot and asks God to help me not feel like this. I have always seen the cup and half full not half empty and this is the way I chose to go about tending to my breast cancer, with my cup half full. I am one of the blessed ones where my breast cancer was found early and had not spread, but now the pressure is on, where I must keep on top of the maintenance tests every six months.

Goals, the future…and my “NEENIE 2.0 Tribe Circle”

My goals and dreams get more vivid and detailed each day. I want to firstly, have a tribe around me who CARE. My family are my tribe currently. After that, a few close circle of friends in Jamaica and overseas. I have had serious disappointments with persons I thought who would be there during my recovery. Sarcastic comments, no support and just plain rude about my phased reconstruction asking “how come you cannot just go to the hospital or clinic and just get your implants, why all these phases?” My answer with my poker face “well those persons who just go and get implants do not usually have breast cancer do they?”

I decided from months ago, that these are NOT the people I want to take with me in the next segment of my life, which is to be full of fun, peace, fitness, travel and good times. No way! I may sound harsh, but after what I went though and still going through, I need a tribe of gentle, genuine and caring people around me for so many reasons. I have been through hell this year and I do not intend to have anyone who is aggressive or abrasive around me. This goes for my work life too in all ways, in all facets of my life! I must mention here that my Bosses have been super amazing to me this year and I adore them.

Fitness and LIV Body

My fitness continues to be a huge part of my life and now will take center stage. It will help with my general health, as well as fitness goals and maybe even a real bonafide, side livelihood. I have a lot to share soon, and am also excited to announce that I am now an Ambassador for one of my fave health and wellness Companies, LIV Body. I have just signed on with them in the last month but have many plans to do lots of great content, and even travel to the headquarters in 2024. Many of their products are vegan, and they do not use additives or dyes. This is one of the ways I am changing up my lifestyle to continue with a healthy, happy and FIT life. I will be posting a lot of content over on my Instagram account (see sidebar to follow!) on my LIV Body supplements and vitamins, and workouts.

SO much more to announce and share, coming soon! Thank you to all my “tribe” in person and online who have reached out, sent messages, stopped by my home, sent donuts, helped me at Doctor’s appointments and been so lovely to me. I will never forget YOU or this past year.

Love,

Neenie xo

Part Two – How 2023 is going, and a Pup named Josh!

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Hi Friends,

I wanted to publish part two to finish a post I did a week ago about a health setback I had this year, in April.

If you missed part one, you can read it here and the next post will be about the surgery I chose to have, my treatment, recovery and future plans.

Waiting for Biopsy Results

The time I waited for the biopsy results was way too long. Anything that has to be looked at in further detail in terms of test results at this level has to be sent to Miami as we do not have those facilities here in Jamaica. They can look at things up to a certain level, then the pathologists in Miami takeover. So that meant about a three week wait!

I tried to stay busy and positive, but despite my family being there for me above and beyond – and helping me mentally by checking in on me, as well as friends; it was hard not to think about what I saw on the ultrasound monitor. I kept busy anyway, going to work meetings, the gym, and meeting friends for lunch in Ocho Rios.

Trying to stay busy – I kept going to the Gym!

Discovering Josh in a Box!

One Saturday in April…when I was driving back from Ocho Rios to my home, I saw a man on the street holding up two of the most gorgeous puppies that I quickly recognized as Shihtsu-poodle mixes, my favorite type of dog – having three at home already. I was flabbergasted at the way he held them up into the traffic, and I heard a little voice in my head saying “Stop…Stop….” So I pumped the brakes and screeched to an immediate halt in front of him, which almost caused a serious accident behind me.

The Seller with the two puppies he had holding up in the noisy traffic that made me stop

I asked him why he was doing that to the puppies, that quite frankly looked frightened and were even whimpering. He said “I need to sell them, and look it must work, as you stopped!” – something told me to walk over to the truck beside him, and I saw a box. I walked over and peered in and there was another sweet puppy whimpering in the corner. I picked him up and realized he was missing an eye. I almost passed out. I felt that weak about it. I asked the seller why he had a puppy in a box that was clearly unhappy and missing an eye? He claimed he did not know that the puppy was missing an eye. At that immediate moment, I decided that the puppy would have a good home, I do not know how, where or why – just that the pull and connection to this puppy was very strong. I felt like I was supposed to be there at that time, and find the puppy.

Trying to pitch the puppies to my Boss to buy them!

I sent a message to my Boss who I know loves dogs, and sent her pictures of the two he was holding up. She immediately wrote back saying she would buy them to save them, but could not take them. We would find homes.

I reiterated to the seller that we would take the three of them, could he wait until Monday so I could sort out “where” we could keep them until homes were found? He agreed. I went home feeling happy that I could save some puppies from being dragged back to the side of the street to be sold.

That afternoon, I called him to see how things were going, and he boldly admitted that he had sold the two right after I left. I was so annoyed and upset. One thing though, he was unable to sell the one with the one eye. I reiterated again, that I would take him and could I come back and get him? He had already left and was making his way back to Kingston, where he lived. I was LIVID!!

To cut quite a long story short, I called him everyday until he sent the puppy back to me. I convinced Chris, that we had to take him, as I could not not think who else would. He was the cutest, sweetest little puppy, black and white markings and very loving. The day he was delivered to me in Ocho Rios, a week later, he could not stop licking my neck. It is as if he knew, his special “mummy” was here to save him from something not too nice. I felt it too! I also felt, it was a time to have a new puppy, a new life, and feel in the house while we were waiting for my next steps, results and what would take place after.

Finally getting Josh

The day I got Josh! He was and is such a loving little dog, and so grateful!

Naming the Puppy and WHY that name.

I decided right away to name the puppy JOSH. Why? Well I already had two with wine names, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio. More importantly; Joshua was an Old Testament hero who saved Jericho and had many challenges up against him. God led him there, and he won. I felt this puppy had so many challenges in his little life already, but he would win. And so would I.

I chose to use one of the guest rooms as the place he would get used to the house, and I moved in there with him as he would wake up a few times in the night and I did not want Chris to have to be awakened. Also due to Josh being vision impaired we could not just have him wondering around, and he was already getting on their other dog’s nerves as he kept walking into them.

As it turns out this little pup saved me around the time I was waiting for my results, and anxious about the future. I had him to focus on at the times that were scary to me, the night. The night is when I would lie in my bed and think about breast cancer, and what it could do. A life threatening disease to boot. I could not stop thinking about it until I got this puppy. The voice that day, I felt was a voice purposely put there to make me find this puppy. It was a plan, I knew it and felt it!

Biopsy Results…

As it turned out, the biopsy results were positive for “carcinoma in right breast” 1-2 CM was the stage of the lump (2 cm) and it was strongly advised I have an “immunohistchemistry” report done on the specimen of the biopsy so they could find out what the lump receptors were made of – very important information to then take to the oncologist to decide how the cancer is treated. That would take another three weeks!

I went to my GP who gave me a set of tests to do while we waited: an executive blood test, a bone scan (as he pointed out breast cancer likes to find itself in bones) yikes!, and a CT scan of my organs with radioactive fluid injected so they could see clear results….of course I ran and did the blood test, and then the CT scan…which I found daunting, but in the end it was not too bad once I relaxed and I had a great technician. It was an intravenous test, with alkaline flowing into the organs and a very strange feeling but not bad. The Bone Scan was a radioactive injection, then the actual scan about five hours after.

In the meantime the immunechemistry test results came back and pointed to Estrogen being the receptor in the lump in the breast. The Doctor explained that there was no reason he should not put me in estrogen blockers right away to stop the estrogen from flowing and setting in my ovaries, etc. So immediately I started taking that pill. I was then recommended to a Cancer specialist surgeon and Oncologist now that we had those results.

Other Test Results

The CT scan and Bone scans all came in normal thank God. And again, I had to not only thank God, but the fact that my time was not only focused on work, and home life, but now a brand new puppy who kept me up at night and I had no other choice but to focus on this little being who needed all my attention!

In the next post I will go over the surgery, treatment, and recovery as well as future plans.

It turns out, Josh was now saving me!

Love,

Neenie